My Journey

All my life I've been pushed to listen and talk. But never asked if something else was better for me. I still don't know where I fit in. I'm hearing yes but with the help of a hearing aid. Without it forget it unless you yell at me. There are still somethings I don't even understand about myself. Like how can I listen to music and sing, but yet can't even hear myself. How is that possible. Those closest to me can't hear or understand me sometimes because I either talk to low or I mumble. Where do I fit in? People always expect me to talk and listen, but get upset at me when they can't understand me. I get really aggitated when I have to repeat myself. The two closest people to me would understand if I just signed so I wouldn't have to repeat myself verbally, but growing up being yelled at a lot about anything and everything get used to talking. My family didn't learn sign for me. They did the best they could not knowing how to deal with a deaf child. Sad thing is though do I call myself deaf or hard of hearing? Which one am I? Does it matter? I usually tell people I'm deaf/hard of hearing. I would rather just say one or the other. I don't want to yell and get upset because of having to say things again and again. I've noticed if I sign and people don't understand I don't get upset if I need to repeat myself. I like myself better when I'm deaf. Why is life so complicated or is it that I just make it complicated? How come I'm nervous around others whom are just like me? Most people think I'm lying when I tell them I'm deaf/hard of hearing because I can talk so well. Just because I can talk so well doesn't mean I have perfect hearing. What should I do? My husband is learning sign now and so is his family. His family is a blessing, but mine are too. I also get help from a company for my hearing though. I have another disease in my leg that causes a great deal of pain at times. I saw my new counselor recently and (since I think my hearing may have gotten worse, I wanted a hearing test), so I made an appointment for the hearing test because it was free but the lady told me to get with my counselor because I may be able to get a new hearing aid. When I got home I emailed my counselor. person and told them about me being in a lot of leg pain (having leg pain and being deaf really doesn't leave a lot of options open for jobs) and asked about a hearing test but she wanted to know if I had applied to any jobs or was looking. Don't get me wrong I completely understand why she asked me that, but at the same time how can one perform a job when their hip hurts so bad at times just sitting hurts. Plus can't take secretary jobs because of hearing. So how am I supposed to work? Just doing laundry for 15 minutes hurts even with meds. What do I do? I want to be able to function without pain. I would love to get a job doing something that I love, but right now what jobs could I do? It seems like as long as people think I'm normal my body is like NO SHE IS NOT!